Most of us who are not heirs to oil fortunes are in need of some extra cash these days. We have been doomed for a few years now, when Tommy Thompson started handing out tax rebates like they were airline peanuts. Then Scott McCallum, displaying the sort of financial savvy we normally associate with sea monkeys, sold the enormous tobacco settlement for an immediate cash payment of about $16.50 and a pack of Juicy Fruit. Now we have Gov. Jim Doyle, who seems to be saying, “When I said I would protect education and students, I didn’t mean YOU.”

Before this budget came out, I had few financial problems. This is because I am shrewd when it comes to money management. For example, I rarely spend money at the mall. How? In order to prevent myself from making spontaneous cash withdrawals with my check card, I have cleverly forgotten my PIN number. I have cleverly forgotten it three times now. Also, I am not even tempted to use my card as a credit card because the machine eats it. It works fairly well, and I am on a first-name basis with the teller at my bank.

So I was doing all right until these tuition hikes came along. Plasma wasn’t cutting it, and my boyfriend had some kind of ethical opposition to me selling my unused ova, so I thought of some other ways to add money to an already-dwindled savings account:

1. Write a romance novel. Most of us have read at least one and thought, “Hey, I could write that!” All you have to do is create your stock characters (preferably a fiery red-head with a troubled past and a tall, dark, handsome and, of course, brooding ex-pirate) and add some sex, which if you have no experience of your own or do not wish to weird out your significant other, you can take from internet forums devoted to that sort of thing. I gave novel-writing a shot, but mine always turned out like this:

“Esmerelda lit the last candle, bosoms heaving like the stock market after George W. Bush took office, and turned to face her dark-eyed paramour, Luis.

‘I have been waiting for this moment for all my life,’ she sighed.

‘Egad!’ shrieked Luis. ‘My loins are afire!’

‘Oh darling,’ cooed Esmerelda, blushing.

‘No, really!’ Luis cried. ‘I sat on a candle!'”

So it didn’t work out for me, but perhaps someone out there can do better and cash in on some royalties. Or if literature is not your game, but deceit is, I have another idea for you.

2. Set up your own twirly coin machine in the mall. You know what I’m talking about? The round plastic kind that usually has a picture of large-eyed African children pasted to the side of it? There may be some sort of pesky law on the books about fraudulent charities, but whoever is in charge of checking on twirly coin machines probably got laid off, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

Besides, if anyone gives you any problems, just wave your sock full of pennies in a war-like manner at them and make a quick get-away while they cower in the photo booth.

3. Sell something bizarre and generally unsellable on eBay for a great deal of money. We’ve all heard about the man who tried to sell his family, or the woman who tried to sell her virginity or the guy who attempted to sell his soul. So list something like “eternal prayer to spring buyer from Purgatory” online and see what happens. Or you can try listing something not even in your possession, like Lambeau Field or Queen Elizabeth II, but there is no guarantee that the highest bidder will be a good sport about not receiving the merchandise. The last thing you need is legal difficulties, so take care.

I can just hear some snide conservative-type sneering, “Why don’t you try getting a job, you lazy hippie?” Actually, I have heard snide conservative-types sneering this and acting as though they have solved the entire budget and are the first to ever jeer this at people with less money than themselves, so to them I say: Most of us already have two jobs, you cretins. Let’s see you handle a third while balancing 15 credits, volunteering, friendships and an addiction to reality TV.

But now is not the time for festering hostilities or petty arguments. Now is the time for letters to the governor, responsible financial management, and most importantly, tripping Tommy Thompson, Scott McCallum and Jim Doyle when we see them on the street.