Well, we can tell you for certain the original St. Valentine never intended Feb. 14 to be celebrated by exchanging Winnie The Pooh cards and edible underwear.
No, that would be bad, seeing as the poor man was beheaded more than 1,000 years ago. So what happened? How did this holiday of Looooooove, this La Dia De Amor come about? We have reason to believe it was Hallmark, with more than 400 mall locations across the country, the evil masterminds behind this current holiday from hell and its sister holiday, Sweetest Day. (Don’t get us started on that one.) Yes, that’s right folks, it’s all a corporate scheme to suck the money out of couples’ pockets and the joy out of single people everywhere.
So what do you do about it? Well, you could go out and buy a life-sized, solid chocolate replica of “The David.” (Choosing what to bite off first is half the fun. No, wait, it’s all the fun!) But, for those who don’t have five installments of $69.95 plus shipping and handling, here are some other alternatives.
1. Sleep – 24 hours of uninterrupted REM.
2. Do homework – looking at the pictures in your Human Sexual Biology textbook counts, right?
3. Do your taxes.
4. If you have time, do your roommate’s boyfriend. I mean, do your roommate’s boyfriend’s taxes.
5. Get a group of your closest single friends and treat yourselves to a night on the town, complete with alcohol, the aforementioned edible underwear, and candy hearts for throwing at couples when they’re kissing in front of you. Meanwhile, for those a little more bitter.
6. Organize an Anti-Valentine’s Day Gala Event. Get a group of single friends and travel the streets of Eau Claire heckling couples, gnawing on beef jerky sticks and talking extra loud about the joys of singlehood – the free time, the lack of commitment, the dates with your pet (see #8).
7. If you’re tired of nights on the town, rent your favorite Valentine’s Day movies. Some suggestions: “The Star Wars Trilogy” -nothin’ says lovin’ like Han and Leia. And sometimes we’d just rather kiss a Wookie. Any animated film – they’re not real. Their love isn’t real. Sounds good to me. Any movie starring David Duchovny or Matt Damon – hey, girls can dream, can’t they? (And froth at the mouth.)
8. Or, for those daring of soul, we suggest the ever popular “Pet your Date/Date our Pet.” Take Fiddo, Fifi or Thor the Wonder Shrew out for a little stroll in the park. Or the Joynt. A meal for two, good conversation and hey, they won’t mind coming back to your place afterward.
9. Stay home and play “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” on your computer. (Oh wait, that’s what Diane’s going to do.)
10. Get all dressed up and sit alone at the bar and stare at the boy you’ve lusted after for months while being hit on by Leo Tolstoy’s long-lost twin. (Have you ever seen a picture of Leo Tolstoy? I’ve seen pits look better. Anyway, that’s what Elizabeth’s going to do.)
And finally, for those daring of heart and sick of mind . (While writing, at this point Diane asked, “Are we trying to stay single forever?”) we offer shameless plugs and a wonderful opportunity.
11. Ask Diane out.
12. Ask Elizabeth out.