The official student newspaper of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire since 1923.

The Spectator

The official student newspaper of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire since 1923.

The Spectator

The official student newspaper of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire since 1923.

The Spectator

Bugs not welcome here

Let me just start off by saying that I really like living off campus. It’s fun to have a whole house just for my roommates and me. It’s a lot more space to deal with than a dorm room and we get to experience some of the little problems that come along with living in a house.

And we have had our share of minor problems: a plugged kitchen sink, a broken stove, a leaky fridge and rank odor (mostly due to my roommate’s cooking). These all reared their collective ugly heads at times. None were to be unexpected and all were dealt accordingly without too much difficulty.

Then came the fire. Well, not a literal fire – that would really be bad. Fire hurts with all the burning and the smoke and smoldering and such, but anyway, what I’m getting at here is that something happened that I never anticipated – an invasion. The box elder bugs have landed, right smack in the middle of our lovely house.

Maybe you know what box elder bugs are, maybe you don’t. It seems that whenever I mention my little friends to anyone, an explanation is needed. My typical response to the question of what they are usually goes something like this:

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“Well, uh, they’re these little beetle-like things, only not really beetles because they don’t have a crunchy shell, but they’re kind of black with red lines and they’re a little less than an inch long and they can fly and stuff and…and…well, that’s what they are.”

That’s more or less what I say, though usually I’ll add more profanity. The bugs make me upset.

To better help myself figure out what they are and what they do, I looked up information on them on the Web.

The Web’s great, it’s full of all sorts of neat information and dirty pictures. I use it often.

So here’s what I found out about the bugs. It turns out they typically live outdoors, but like to come inside to escape the cold of winter. A couple sites recommended buying poison to wipe them out, but others say that won’t solve the problem and that the best way to off the critters is to suck them into a vacuum cleaner when you see them.

I opt for crushing them. It’s far more gratifying to off them in violent fashion.

As for problems, it turns out that box elder bugs don’t eat clothes or even bits of pizza crust. In fact, the only real problem they present is with their excrement.

Yeah, that’s right. I couldn’t believe it either.

Apparently these suckers don’t do anything but come in and crap all over. Come to think of it, I had noticed my blinds getting these weird little brown stains on them from time to time.

Ugh. I feel sick.

The worst part is that the only real solution to the problem appears to be sealing up the house so that they can’t get in to begin with.

I suppose in the end this is all well and good. I get to deal with the little problems that come with home ownership before I actually own a home. You’d better believe that I’ll prepare for these things the next time around.Oh, and if any of those damn bugs are reading this, I just have one thing to say. Keep your fecal matter off my stuff.

For more information on box elders and other bugs, seek the following books at the McIntyre Library:

“Controlling nuisance insects” – Government publication

“Bugs in the system: insects and their impact on human affairs” – May R. Berenbaum

“Bugs” – Theodore Roszak

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Bugs not welcome here