The first W,MDM Awards!

Story by Eric Christenson

HEY GANG!

Welcome to the first TWMDMAwards! Or as we here at the HQ call it, the Twimdies! Geez, you guys. Just yesterday, I was making Aladdin jokes about you trusting me to take you on a magic carpet ride of a journey through the worst movies ever, and now look at us. We’re so much older! We have beards and wristwatches. Look who we’ve become. Wow. Life, right?

Anyway, I’m glad you could make it because I’m super excited about this awards show that I made up just three weeks ago! I was originally going to do a review of “13 Ghosts!” Can you believe how dumb that is? Too bad there’s already two movies on the list that had the word ‘ghost’ in the title. What a deal.

Okay, for realsies, I’m super pumped to let you guys in on the worst parts of the worst movies in the world. Is that cool? Yes. So let’s gooooooooooooooooooooooo!

WORST, MOST DESPICABLE ACTOR:
I gotta say, this one was tough. There was some ATROCIOUS acting. I mean ATROCIOUS. It’s like someone gave the word ‘atrocious’ a whole new meaning and then defined it as the acting in all of these movies!

Tommy Wiseau! (“The Room”)
Wiseau’s acting in “The Room” is almost as gross as his dumb butt.

WORST, MOST DESPICABLE ACTRESS:
You know, there’s something special about the ladies. There’s an entire decade’s (the ’90s) worth of standup comedy outlining the differences between men and women, but when it comes to acting in terrible movies, we are one and the same, ladies!

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN! (“THE WICKER MAN”)
PSH’s acting is like gold jewel ruby in most movies, but in this one it didn’t click for me. She was awful!

WORST, MOST DESPICABLE BUTT JOKE:
I don’t know what it is about ALL OF THE MOVIES I PICKED to watch this semester, but a substantial trend in all of them was a massive aBUNdance (more like aPUNdance, right Mr. Buchegar, my high school physics teacher who loves puns?) of butt jokes. And they’re terrible and I hate them and here is the worst one!

When Jackie Chan turns the watch of the tuxedo to “Shake Booty” and dances uncontrollably. (“THE TUXEDO”)
Butts off to ya, Mr. Chan.

WORST, MOST DESPICABLE SEX SEQUENCE:
I think there’s something about terrible acting, cheesy effects and egregious dialogue that just makes you want to GET IT ON. And thank goodness pretty much all of these terrible movies embody disgusting sex scenes for you to leave during!

When Nick and Norah go into Norah’s dad’s recording studio and do sex stuff, and then the VU meter IN THE STUDIO is maxing out because of her stupid, dumb, gross moaning.
Ew! Ew! A thousand times, Ew!

Worst, Most Despicable Tan:
I don’t know. I understand the need to tan. In winter, I get pretty pale. And then in the summer, I get way bad farmer’s tans. It’s awful. Actually, no! It’s FINE. There aren’t, honestly, a ton of instances where I say to myself, “You know what? This shirt? I need it off of my body immediately.” But unfortunately, most of the people in these movies feel otherwise.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY! (ALWAYS)
I’m holding a bowl of butterscotch pudding that is less tan than Matty Mac. Matthew McConaughey, why don’t you go experience winter? Ugh.

Worst, most Despicable Impossible Technology:
I like to keep it real, you guys know that. ALL I DO is keep it real. And in keeping it real, I generally don’t prefer to go back in time (I feel like HALF of these movies had time-travel in them) or fight ghosts or WHATEVER. You know? In fact, you can QUOTE ME saying that I hate NOT keeping it real. So maybe my capacity for suspension of disbelief is way shorter than everyone else, but I hate everything.

The virus that the plants use to trigger human brains to cause the person to kill themselves in increasingly creative ways because of fossil fuels! (“THE HAPPENING”)
And coinciding with that, Mark Wahlberg ACTUALLY talking to a plant. A FAKE PLANT, mind you. Neither Marky Mark NOR the plant like to keep it real. Congrats!

Worst, Most Despicable SCENE:
There are so many scenes that are terrible and the worst. And all of them are in these movies. I mean, they can’t all be Alec Baldwin’s “I am God” speech in the movie “Malice,” right guys?

When that dude tries to have sex with the sexy ghost of a sexy lounge singer that was on the ghost ship, but then he falls down a shaft! (“GHOST SHIP”)
Life has a multitude of lessons just waiting to be learned, right, dude who tries to have sex with the sexy ghost of a sexy lounge singer that was on the ghost ship, but then he falls down a shaft?

Worst, most Despicable PICTURE:
This is it! I’ve made my decision. You can already read it, so I won’t talk about it.

BIO-DOME! (“Bio-dome’)
Congrats, Bio-Dome. I didn’t think you could do it. I mean, especially considering how much I hate you (SO MUCH). But it’s time for me to humble myself, purse my lips, hold back my tears and humbly award you this fake award. Nice work, and goawaypleaseforeveralwaysplease.

Worst, most Despicable (PEOPLE’S CHOICE) PICTURE:
The people (you guys) have spoken (via Facebook, so the people have clicked!). According to our extensive Nielson and census data, you guys hated all of these movies, too! Cool! I knew we were so alike. Excellent choice, by the way! You guys are the best. BFFs!

THE WICKER MAN! (“The Wicker Man”)
I couldn’t agree more if someone paid me to agree more! Good choice, you guys. NOT THE NICOLAS CAAAAAAGE! AHHHHHH!
You know how it is.

WOW.
What a long, strange trip it’s been. Other clichés. So hey, you guys, I’m going to get REAL SINCERE here for a second. Try not to cry in front of your friends/extended family. I had a real big laundry load of fun this semester and I’m glad you guys came along for the ride. Seriously. Fun in the sun. Anyway, this is me officially signing off FOREVER (echo)…maybe. Bye, guys!