TWMDMYES: The Tuxedo

Story by Eric Christenson

Kohl’s is the worst. If I had to rate Kohl’s on a scale of one to 100 in number of times I’ve had a miserable time at Kohl’s, I probably couldn’t do it because I’ve been miserable in Kohl’s easily more than 100 times.

With slogans like “I speak fluent sarcasm” and “the monkey made me do it” and “this is the point where I smile and act like I’m listening,” the men’s graphic tee department is so disappointingly juvenile it’s disgusting.

So it’s interesting that actor, action choreographer, filmmaker, comedian, director, producer, martial artist, screenwriter, entrepreneur, singer and stunt performer Jackie Chan could make a movie based purely on that obligatory Kohl’s t-shirt that reads, “I do my own stunts.”

But guiltily enough, I don’t hate Jackie Chan. In fact, he’s charming.

We’re dating.

But Jackie Chan’s unique fighting style wasn’t able to save all the electronic techno pop espionage music* and all the Jennifer Love Hewitt of “The Tuxedo.”

Woof, can we start?

Here we go: Jackie Chan is a taxi driver who likes to break the law with his car. He (somehow) has a reputation? I don’t know. Then this woman (who we never hear from again) takes his cab and tells him he can be Lucius Malfoy’s cab driver and Jackie Chan says, “Well, obviously I’d like to be Lucius Malfoy’s cab driver,” so it happens.

Lucius Malfoy is crazy rich and a spy, turns out, and for whatever reason, A LOT of people are trying to kill him because of it.

So these dudes strap a bomb to a skateboard (lol) and a tracking device to the limo and send it after them in one of the worst scenes ever where Jackie Chan and Lucius Malfoy are driving really fast away from the skateboard bomb.

I sprained my ankle doing skateboard once (recently), so I’m not really that much of an expert, but SKATEBOARDS ARE EASY TO AVOID, right? Yes. I’ve avoided skateboards pretty successfully for almost my whole life, and I’m going to continue that trend well into my remaining years.

Anyway, the skateboard bomb actually puts Lucius “Luscious” Malfoy into a coma! So Jackie Chan is left with Lucius Malfoy’s tuxedo because whatever.

But Jackie Chan has to use the tuxedo to stop these guys that are messing with everyone’s water. It’s super crucial.

So Jackie Chan meets another agent or a scientist or something named Jennifer Love Hewitt and she’s really inexperienced and sexy, according to the Netflix sleeve this movie came in. But she’s the worst. She’s the one who has to hold it together while Jackie Chan does stuntz and she’s just really mean about it, and frankly NOT THAT GOOD AT HOLDING IT TOGETHER!

But whatever. So eventually Jackie Chan and JLH make it to the bad guy hideout and break in and save the water using spy things.

And the movie is over! Whew.

There’s a part in the movie where Jackie Chan first gets the Tuxedo and he sets it to “shake booty” and he dances uncontrollably. Oh, 2002, you’re so adorable! Maybe once you’re done drinking that amazingly smooth Vanilla Coke, you can look at my Earthlink account using Netscape Navigator! Don’t worry; Gandalf isn’t actually dead.

But overall, this movie is kind of embarrassing for Jackie Chan. I mean, it’s rife with cool stunts and tricks, but there’s also “James Tong” jokes and he has to stand next to Jennifer Love Hewitt the entire movie. Her middle name is Love!

She is like LL Cool J, but not the best.

Anyway, think of this movie as a skateboard bomb, and avoid it at all costs.

I give it 5 out of 5 JLH’s.

* I watched this movie with subtitles, and several times “electronic techno pop espionage music plays” came up on the subtitles. Side note: If your movie ever has electronic techno pop espionage music in it, you should rethink every decision you’ve ever made.