According to the Bible, all bridesmaids have to get crazy drunk and sleep with someone at weddings. Also, it says that you don’t have to be dead to be a ghost! Tricky!

Given these clear facts about the Bible*, “Ghosts of Girlfriend’s Past” is two out of two in Bible accuracy, which is commendable in its own right.

But for all other intents and purposes, this movie sucked so hard. It sucked more than the Cubs every single year. It sucked more than documentaries about the moon landing being a hoax. It didn’t suck quite as much as most exercise room mix CDs, but it still was an awful, disgusting mess.

The movie stars Matthew McConaughey (by the way, what a terrible name to type! I hate him already) and he plays basically the biggest tool ever (in every movie) who doesn’t believe in marriage. He’s too busy swimming in lakes of sex and being a too-tan wedding-scrooge to ever care about spending the rest of his life with someone.

Basically, I guess his parents died, and he and his brother were raised by Uncle Michael Douglas, who is a real jerk cool dude who loves mistreating women and being really cool all of time, and Matthew McConaughey eats it RIGHT UP.

Gosh, you know, for being so homophobic and anti-marriage, I bet Matthew McConaughey would marry Uncle Michael Douglas in five seconds, which is two minutes and 35 seconds shorter than it took me to pop the popcorn that I didn’t eat because this movie makes me so sick!

So, Matthew McConaughey’s not a fan of the marriage thing, but UH OH!

His brother is getting married because he’s in love with this girl and Matthew McConaughey is VERY against it. And after quickly feeling up the bride’s mother (UH, what?), he drinks scotch (douche-juice) and goes to bed, but he has a few ghost visions quick. Basically, Emma Stone is the worst, annoying ghost who takes Matthew McConaughey through all of his past girlfriends to see where he went wrong.
Not to mention she brings us through all of the cool decades (Zima jokes, Poison jokes, silk shirt jokes, WOOF).

So we see all of the disasters women he has slept with dated before, but none ever quite compare to Jennifer Garner (right, fellas? HEY-O), and he realizes that after all of these ghosts, he’s a better person and he really loves her.

Then he drives his car down a snowy mountain and the movie ends!

Gosh, Matthew McConaughey is very good at playing the worst, most unthinkable megatools, and his true colors (tan) shine in this movie. He really is a national treasure.

I guess the moral of the story is that you can be a terrible person, just as long as there are some ghosts there to show you what you did wrong. Then you HAVE to have a picture of the girl you love in your wallet at all times so you can show it to her and totally weird her out make her fall in love with you again. Then if your brother’s wedding is called off, just talk to the bride for like 25 seconds, and she’ll be fine!
So he’s redeemed! Like Robin Hood!

The problem with dumb redemption stories is that you pretty much hate the person, and seeing them “come around” isn’t satisfying because they suck. You know they suck, so why should you care about them? You shouldn’t. I don’t.

But seriously, SPOONING SUX.

I give it 5 out of 5 DMB’s.

*Please don’t be offended. The Bible obviously doesn’t say these things. Matthew McConaughey’s toolbible might though.