Burgers
by Eric Christenson

Let me just say that pizza is good. I appreciate a good pizza, believe me when I say this. But burgers are just better in every way.

Now, I’m not weird and I’m not naïve; I know that if you add bacon to anything it gets better, exponentially better. EXCEPT for pizza. I don’t know if you’ve had bacon pizza, but it’s kind of average (read: terrible), but I’d take a bacon cheeseburger any hour of any day of the week.

It’s delicious! And not terribly pricy! A pizza is going to run you $10 to $20 dollars, but a juicy, big, delicious burger will only be $6 to $10. Now, that’s what I call a deal.

One of the major arguments in favor of pizza will probably be that you can put so much on a pizza! That’s kind of true, but will it taste as good? The answer is no. The most popular toppings are the most popular for a reason. Pepperoni, sausage, cheese, boom. Once you start messing around with barbecue chicken, lettuce or anchovies, disaster strikes.

With a burger, though, lettuce, pickles, ketchup, mustard, onions and mushrooms all make sense and taste great no matter what. Plus, the amount of cheese that tastes good with a big hunk of beef is limitless, whereas with pizza, you’re pretty much limited to mozzarella and Parmesan.

It’s hard to mess up a burger because it’s so simple. The only way is if you cook the meat too long or too short and that’s an easy fix. But if there’s too much sauce on a pizza, that’s it; I’m done with it.

All in all, I like burgers because they are easy, cheap, fast and delicious — things that don’t make a good pizza.

Those hot circles of garbage are just too hit or miss for me to trust my junk food habits with.

Pizza
by Taylor Kuether

‘Hey guys, let’s have some burgers delivered and watch the game.’

No one has ever said that. Why? Because burgers are a very impractical junk food.

They’re big, greasy, and absolutely require a table (eating a burger on the couch during, say, a movie night, would be a disaster).

Pizza, on the other hand, has a built-in plate (hello, crust), can be ordered literally zillions of ways and feed literally zillions of people.

No one wants to share a burger; in fact, that’s not really feasible unless you want to pass your sandwich into your friend’s grubby hands and watch as he or she takes a big, messy bite.

A good ole ‘za, however, is meant to be shared: that’s why they slice it.

And instead of simply hearing, ‘Do you want fries with that?’ pizzas are entirely customizable. Pick your toppings, stuff the crust, dip your slice in ranch dressing if you want to!
You can even get dessert pizzas — “Treatzza Pizzas,” anyone?

Plus, EVERYONE likes pizza. In Chicago, the slices are thick and hefty; Brooklyn’s famous for folding their thin slices in half; in Sicily, you’ll weep as you partake in the religious experience they named pizza.

Vegetarian? Good luck with that big meaty hamburger. Veggie pizzas, however, are sometimes more delicious than their meat-laden counterparts.

And if you’re craving a late-night snack, a burger’s never got your back.

Just call up Toppers or Jim’s for some pizza love; if you try calling Culver’s, you’re just going to get an answering machine and your stomach will be left grumbling.