The Worst, Most Despicable Movies You’ve Ever Seen: “Baby Geniuses”

Story by Eric Christenson

The sacrifices I’ve made for the good of TWMDMYES are painstakingly astounding.  For the good of the column, I’ve suffered through “The Wicker Man” starring Nicolas Cage and now this, a new low: “Baby Geniuses.”

And let me tell you, dear readers, about what an awful diaperful of barfgarbage “Baby Geniuses” was.

So let’s hop to it!

The movie starts in a grim-looking laboratory (of course) called Baby Co. where babies are studied and researched to find secrets like a baby-only language that only babies can understand.

Oops!  Already, one of the babies escapes!  But don’t worry, he’s caught again.

This sucks already.

So, if you couldn’t guess, the babies in the movie are geniuses.  Boom.  Diaper Gravy.*

Now, as it turns out, the baby that escaped at the beginning is one of a set of twins.  He’s the one being raised in a lab whereas the other baby (let’s call him Home baby) is off with a real family.  Real, of course, means struggling financially (kind of (not really)).  See, we’re made to believe that the family is kind of poor because the husband hasn’t invented baby language yet, but THEY LIVE IN A THREE STORY MANSION.  Whoops!

Anyway, they run a sort of day care (I think) and a  Wanda Sykes doppelganger, a real alternative hardcore ’90’s punk named Ice Pick and Dom Deluise as a plumber help them out at this day care.

What a collection of rascals!

So the twin being researched (let’s call him Lab baby) escapes again using a satellite dish gun (right) that he made.  He tries to get his girlfriend (right) out, but she’s too scared, so he just goes.

Anyway, somehow he gets out and is roaming the streets!  A baby!  Cars almost hit him, but he escapes to the mall.  Whew, good.  So he plays Crash Bandicoot (lol) all night.

So the next day, Home baby’s parents take him to the mall to see Santa (oh right, it’s Christmas time.  Sorry, continuity).  And wouldn’t you know it, they get switched!  Hijinx, baby!  I live for hijinx.

Once Kathleen Turner realizes she’s had the wrong baby for a while, she flips out and sends two guys to the day care to get Lab baby back.  Then it’s a lot like Home Alone minus everything that’s good about Home Alone.

Anyway, you guessed it, the babies win.


Also, Kathleen Turner is supposedly playing Kim Catrall’s aunt.  Turner is only two years older in real life!  Talk about goofs.  Although, I don’t know.  My mom’s aunt was only about four when my mom was born.  Still, Hollywood, clean it up!  And by “it,” I mean both your act and the positions held by every last person that green lit this awful, aggressively appalling atrocity.

The thing about this movie is that there are so many one-liners that wouldn’t be funny if adults said them, but since babies are saying them, they are somehow even less funny.  For example, “Macy’s?  I forgot my credit cards!” or “Video games: My kingdom for some video games.”

Right, you guys, because Cyrano is reserved only for adults.  Get a grip.  If a baby can sit in a mall by himself answering Jeopardy questions before the contestants of Jeopardy can, then I think we can give him a free pass to high culture.

The other thing about this movie is that it sucks so much.

Also, to Netflix: please, please, please take “Baby Geniuses” off of the Instant Watch.  Save all that you can, then look back at the good you’ve done and say, “I could have got more.”  And as you repeat this phrase, become increasingly hysterical.  You’re a hero, Netflix.  A hero.

Baby Geniuses
Baby Geniuses

* They kept referencing “Diaper Gravy” like it’s a common thing.  Let me know if you’ve ever heard someone say this before.  You know what?  Don’t bother, because I know for a fact that NO ONE HAS EVER SAID THIS BEFORE.