Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Guess what! It’s homecoming! You wake up extra early for pancakes and beer, get to the bars by 6 a.m. for your free t-shirt and Jell-o shot, get eight Tootsie Rolls at the parade and Eau Claire wins the homecoming game. However, while parading around in a drunken stupor, your friends abandon you and you head home early, missing out on the afternoon’s festivities. It’s probably for the best, you needed a nap anyway.

 Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You visit the aquarium, only to realize it’s dolphin day and they’re offering FREE dolphin rides! You think this can’t possibly get any better when you find out that they’re also giving out free cotton candy. Yum!

 Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You jump in a huge pile of leaves expecting a satisfying crunch, when you land on a stick. It hurts really bad and then a squirrel bites your face.

 Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You find $5 on the ground. You head straight to Davies to buy those awesome frosting-coated sugar cut-out cookies. They’re shaped like pumpkins and ghosts.

 Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – When walking to school, you see an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend and awkwardly hide your face. You are so concerned with making sure they don’t see you, that you walk right off the sidewalk and into a huge puddle. Turns out it was just someone who resembled your past lover. Oh well.

 Aries (March 21-April 19) – You thought your landlord decided to be nice and turn on your heat early, but is was only a mistake. He cuts it off two days after. Consequently, your house it freezing. Invest in mittens.

 Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You’re stubbon as a bull … in a china shop. You accidently break your cell phone when you drunkenly step on it dancing. Next time, either dance in slippers or get dancing lessons.

 Gemini (May 21-June 21) – As you’re avoiding pedestrians, you fly over your bike’s handlebars and biff your face, and arms, and legs, and, well, ouch. While lying on the ground, you find a lucky penny next to a dead squirrel. You pocket it anyway, rent is due next week.

 Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Your favorite flavor of ice cream changes from Chunky Monkey to vanilla. What’s your problem? Oh wait, vanilla’s awesome.

 Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Your roommate hooked up with your worst enemy and won’t shut up about it. We recommend earplugs, because we all know she’s going to continue with the gory details all week long.

 Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Someone calls you a creeper today. They’re right.