Ask Anything

November 10, 2005
Filed under Showcase

Consider this edition of Ask Anything an early Valentine’s Day primer, with all the right responses to your romantic queries.

What is with that old hag on Oxygen (the channel) that has her own Sunday night sex show? The woman can barely keep her sagging head from falling into the anal beads she periodically holds up and informs you how to use. Can someone find out when her contract is done so we can get some hot model on there?
- Geriatric Park

What in the dickens are you talking about? The “old hag” is what makes “Talk Sex with Sue Johanson” watchable. Can you think of anything funnier than hearing an elderly woman talk about sex toys and her past experiences?

Personally, I hope she stays on for as long as she’s alive, but it’s probably safe and not in bad taste to say she’s on a slippery slope.

Besides, wouldn’t you rather get thoughtful advice from someone who’s been around the bend a few times, so to speak?

In the few times I’ve seen it (come on now, do I look like a typical Oxygen viewer?), I’ve seen her handle some crazy questions with the eloquence and detail that only she could provide.

I could elaborate on that, but the fact that we really can’t print some of the better questions she’s gotten speaks volumes for the show.

I think it’s telling that I could never repeat most of the questions in these pages, but I suppose with her age and dominance of the sex-talk scene, she can do pretty much anything she wants – the FCC be damned.

And guessing from some of her responses, that show’s not the only thing she’s dominated.

Do you ever see a couple standing outside a lecture hall and they are so caught in the moment that it makes you want to walk right up to them and … jack them in the face for being complete idiots. Why do people who are going to see each other in, like, 10 minutes, have to get all lovely-dovey before a class? It’s so annoying. Can anyone relate?
- PDA Go Away

Amen, brother. I’ve never completely understood that one. And, if you notice, it’s always the couples who are around each other practically all day anyway.

This has long been a pet peeve of Mark’s. It’s annoying when it’s out in public like that. It’s annoying when your friends start doing it right in front of you, and it’s enough to drive one up a wall if one is not careful about expressing his inner anger.

As to the question of why, I would believe it’s a combination of habit, not respecting others and caving in to their partner’s demands.

“Oh, I’m not going to see you for another 50 minutes, so we better touch each other and make out for awhile.”

Hey, buddy! We’re trying to run a civilization here.

So get the net, you loverboys and girls: single people don’t like what you’re doing. It’s not out of jealousy, it’s out of pure, bloody hatred. And just to clarify, it’s hatred of you, not of what you’re doing.

But there’s a lot of things I see on campus that I would put in the same category.

For instance, Ramones T-shirts. Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie came up with a good new rule: If you’re going to wear one of the now-trendy T-shirts, you have to name three Ramones songs. You don’t have to be an expert and name three songs on every album, just name three songs.

But I’m deviating from the topic. Bottom line, America: Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. I’m out.