Will Stewing: Columnist analyzes "Hill;" friend or foe?

By: Will Stewart

Posted: 10/6/08

Almost everyone at this University has had to climb The Hill at least once, and if you haven't, you really should. It is a distinctive feature and part of the reason this campus is considered "Wisconsin's Most Beautiful."

However, it can be a cause for frustration and so, this week, I'm going to prove conclusively that The Hill is our friend.

The Hill has many redeeming qualities - one of which is being able to blame it for procrastination, absenteeism and laziness.

In the history of our school, how many students knew they'd get more work done in the library, but did not go because of The Hill? I know this happened to me on more than one occasion.

Afroman has a song called "But Then I Got High," and it explains all of the things he planned on doing, but failed to do because he got high. Marijuana was his barrier to increased productivity and The Hill was mine. Although I've never tried weed, I have lived on Upper Campus and can say that The Hill was definitely a hurdle when it came time to visit the library or see a speaker.

"I was gonna get my paper done, but then there was The Hill, then there was The Hill, then there was the Hill."

For those students that get to class on time, The Hill is like the weather for Upper Campus inhabitants in that you can always talk about it.

I do not know if smoking marijuana decreases lung capacity, but the aerobic workout and high altitude associated with The Hill must definitely increases lung capacity. I mention this because I want to be absolutely clear that the association between marijuana and The Hill relates only to decreased
productivity.

The health benefits of The Hill can't be overlooked; it is a source of exercise. In my time at this University, I can think of very few times when I saw a student running on campus. Yes, the Cross Country team and joggers come through, but I'm talking about somebody running late for class.

For all the late people in classes, I've never once heard somebody say, "get out of my way, eager learner coming through!" Perhaps we are all quite literally, "too cool for school," and don't want to be seen running to class.

Despite our lackadaisical attitude about getting to class on time there is still hope for those on Upper Campus. Somewhere there must be a figure on just how many calories are burned climbing The Hill, but unfortunately, I'm feeling too lazy to find it (alright, maybe my laziness had nothing to do with The Hill). Either way, it keeps us in slightly better shape than our flat-land peers.

There is one truly great thing about The Hill-the spectacular view. Not only has it been a guiding beacon to many a lost freshman, but from Upper Campus the view is incredible.

Whether you're walking to class or eating dinner at the cafeteria, The Hill provides a beautiful view of the river and surrounding area. When I lived in Governors, it was so much easier to wake up in the morning knowing that a scenic view awaited me just before the stairs.

Unfortunately, I would never leave early enough to stop and enjoy the view, lest I be late for class. There was no chance that I was going to run.

In winter, The Hill does not lose its beauty, but there is an element of danger involved in traveling it. My advice is to avoid the white lines on the roads. Those things are slippery. They're not exactly on The Hill and this causes people to put their guard down around them.

Most of The Hill's benefits are for those that live at its peak. However, there is a way in which The Hill will benefit us for the rest of our lives.

Think of all the times you complained to your grandparents or parents about something, anything relating to being a child. In my experience, the cliché response to all such complaints is the story of "when I was a kid," and a line about "walking to school uphill both ways in the howling wind, with wolves chasing us."

In my opinion, The Hill is big enough to count twice and thus, it can be said that our walk to class is "uphill both ways." As we all know, the howling wind and cold temperatures earned our footbridge a place on "The Coldest Places List" during Letterman's famed "Top Ten," segment. Having taken care of the "uphill both ways" and the "howling wind," it is time for the wolf.

The art of story telling requires some exaggeration. I'm sure some of you have seen the fox (or perhaps foxes) wandering campus in the early morning and late at night. If you haven't, you'll just have to believe me that there are foxes that frequent campus. Four long legs, a long snout, pointed ears, sharp teeth and a long furry tail … sounds like a wolf to me!

Well, there you go. Now, many years from now when your grandchildren are taking hover-buses to school and complaining about their robo-teacher, we can look them dead in the eyes and truthfully tell them of our days at UW-Eau Claire and "walking to school, uphill both ways through the chilling cold wind and with wolves stalking us the whole way."

After that story, tell them the one about how you spent every weekend, including homecoming, in the library. Just pray they don't find this article (or Facebook) on the Internet.

Stewart is a senior education major and guest columnist for The Spectator. "Will Stewing" appears every Monday issue.