Sometimes it can be a little rough to tell whether a horror film is meant to be a serious piece of cinema or a campy gore-fest. But believe us when we say we found you some movies where no guessing is necessary. I mean, you’ve got a talking, homicidal turkey in one and a car tire that will telekenetically blow up your brain in another. So if you’re looking to host a night of scary movies that are so bad they’re almost good (probably not really though), we’ve got you covered.
When looking through the pantheon of bad horror movies, you’ll see countless zombies and clowns and psychotic cannibals. So, I mean, it can be hard to get excited about any one premise.
But how does a possessed gingerbread cookie sound to you?
That’s the premise of “The Gingerdead Man,” a 2005 film starring Gary Busey as a serial killer who is executed. But wait! His mother puts his ashes into a gingerbread spice mix and the mix is used to make a cookie!
So after the cookie comes to life, it kills some people and has lots of wonderful one-liners. My favorite would be (SPOILER ALERT!!!) when he asks a lady if she’s ever had a ladyfinger before he cuts off her lady finger.
The best part might be the beginning of the film, even before Busey becomes a delicious dessert. That’s because his character’s name is Millard Findlemeyer. Let that sink in. Millard … Findlemeyer.
So if you’re going to watch just one cookie-possession-themed horror film this year, make it “The Gingerdead Man.” Then, check out the 2008 sequel, “Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust.”
This movie is so bad it’s actually kind of good. Basically, this old, creepy lady doesn’t want to lose her house that has been in her family for many years and the main character who handles loans denies her.
It doesn’t seem like a big deal until the old lady goes, “Oh hey, let me just curse a button on your coat and then you will rot in hell.”
The old lady traps the main character in a car and gnaws on her face (her dentures popped out, don’t worry, there are plenty of gross sound effects to make you want to scream) and then a couple of scenes later the main character projectile vomits pure blood on her desk and her boss just shrugs and doesn’t give any hecks about it.
Also, the ending is just a treat, just you wait and see. Everything happens because of a button. A freaking button. I jumped, I cried, I laughed so hard I cried and then watched the movie again.
Night of the Comet — Bridget Cooke
“Night of the Comet” is an ’80s zombie thriller — sort of. The initial pull of the film is a post-apocalyptic world where only a few survive and there are zombies chasing them down. The plot seems to deviate from what is promised to the viewer, though.
This film definitely screams camp. I can see why this movie is a cult classic. Who doesn’t like a good apocalypse that has a cheerleader and her sister survive a deadly comet — one that conveniently only kills people and leaves an entire city standing? All of this and a few homicidal maniacs as the only
human beings left on the planet?
New Years is the night of “The Comet,” everyone gathering outside to either celebrate the viewing or the fact that the world was about to end. Somehow when this asteroid finally hits Earth, it decimates only the people, leaving them as a refined rust-colored dust amidst a heap of clothing.
As much as I wanted to take it seriously, practically every scene was more laugh-invoking than scary. It started out promising, with a teenage girl who seemed self-sufficient enough.
And so begins the tyranny for these innocent survivors. Reg, the teenage girl, loses her boyfriend to a tragic encounter with a zombie and a pipe. Upon finding him being eaten by the undead, she proceeds to defend herself with some altogether too common to take down. One thing to learn from this
movie, ladies: definitely take those self-defense classes. You’ll never know when they come in handy!
As fun as the scene is, we never see a moving corpse in tacky makeup again throughout the next hour and a half, so the promise of a zombie movie is greatly exaggerated.
Also, following the story of this film is kind of challenging. It seemed as though while they were filming, the writers decided to change the direction of the plot several times to keep viewers on their toes. Aside from an entertaining shopping spree in the mall to the song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and some intentional miscues, there wasn’t much that had a point, but I liked it just the same.
Turkeys really are the last creatures one would expect to successfully carry any villainous role. But it seems there is no equal to this foul-mouthed baddie in the movie “ThanksKilling.”
The film is so crude and cheesy that it will have your eyes glued to the screen, waiting to see what ridiculous event happens next.
The movie’s creators — I’m sure they are so irrelevant that I didn’t bother looking up their names for you — execute this brilliant piece of
B-horror cinema in two distinct ways:
The dialogue and acting are awful, but that’s why you watch these kind of movies, right? But somehow, everything the turkey says in this movie seems to be brilliantly crafted prose. His use of verbal irony will get make you bust a gut in laughter.
(Note: the turkey actually tears through someone’s stomach at one point in the film, which explains the seemingly odd word choice.)
That segues perfectly to the other reason you should watch this movie. The death sequences are hilarious. The creative murders — a sort of “Ren and Stimpy” meets “Saw” — pair perfectly with the Shakespearean lines delivered by the ghoulish galliform.
These aspects really make for a brilliant formula resulting in the best B-horror film I’ve ever seen. So this year I am most thankful
for “ThanksKilling.” And you will be, too.
Rubber — Emily Gresbrink
You wouldn’t think a movie about a tire with psycho-murderous powers would
be a thing.
Alas, there is “Rubber,” a 2010 French horror movie literally about a tire. So, Robert (…seriously) is this tire who, in the late ’90s, comes to life and learns he can psychokinetically blow stuff up. This “stuff” includes everything from a tin can to a random person’s head.
So eventually Robert/the tire ends up in this little desert town and starts to kill everyone. However, nobody can figure out who the murderer is … probably because it’s a tire killing people.
Oh, then there’s this whole other parallel plot about an audience watching a movie “with no point,” and they all die too after eating poisoned turkey (seriously, I’m not lying).
Then the tire kills literally everyone and rolls off into Hollywood. Sigh.
You know, I couldn’t make this plot up if I was drunk. I couldn’t make it up sober. And the sad part is the “generally favorable reviews” from Cannes and from online viewers. I mean, I laughed a lot, probably more so than I should, because those are laughs I can’t get back. But if you want to see it, go for it.
“The Roommate” – Emily Torgerson
Halloween: a season full of superstitions, black cats, magic and scary movies. However, for every horror movie made that induces blood-curdling screams and the need to check underneath your bed for monsters, there comes along a “scary movie” that simply misses the mark.
Have any of you seen “The Roommate?” Released in 2011, the film focuses on incoming ULA college freshman Sara (Minka Kelly) who discovers that her roommate is a severely disturbed Rebecca (Leighton Meester) who has suddenly stopped taking her medication. I remember I took a personal day in high school so I could be one of the first to see this film on opening day. Sadly, I found it was not worth it and that not even my beloved Blair Waldorf could save this mess of a script. Save for Kelly’s lead (who should forgo acting and stick to being Derek Jeter’s girlfriend), the supporting cast is talented, no doubt. Meester, as she has proven on the hit television show “Gossip Girl,” can be deliciously evil, and Cam Gigandet (“Twilight”) nails it as Kelly’s good-looking (that bone structure!) and tortured boyfriend who plays in a rock band but has a soft and sensitive side. With a devastatingly predictable plot line and no twists and turns (I won’t give away the ending but it’s pretty obvious who the villain is from the get go), “The Roommate” is an utter letdown. Side note: this film was never screened for critics in advance, which leads me to believe that the studio knew they would probably react like I did.
Can I also point out how the supposed dorm rooms featured in the film are nicer than my parents’ entire house? Hollywood, you’re not fooling anyone here. Just like the premise of the film, they are totally unrealistic. Here’s to hoping that the next week will bring a new crop of horror movies fit for any Halloween, and that “The Roommate 2″ will never be released.
“Tucker and Dale vs. Evil” – Trent Tetzlaff
A scary movie is something that should make us jump, cringe, or even scream isn’t it? If that is what the writers of ”Tucker and Dale vs. Evil” were trying to accomplish, then they failed miserably. If the writers were trying to create some sort of a comedy, I could see it; but horror? No way. The story takes place in the north woods where two middle-aged men go to fish, work on their cabin, and get away for a weekend. Little do they know, a group of college kids are camping nearby for the weekend. As the two men are fishing, they come across one of the college girls who was drowning in the water, and they save her. After this near death experience, the men take the girl back to the cabin to let her rest. As the movie goes on, the other students believe the two men are murderers. The movie drags on and the students try to save the girl from the innocent men and end up accidentally killing themselves in their attempts. The scenes are incredibly predictable, and they are far from scary. I can safely say “Tucker and Dale vs. Evil” is not a movie worth your time.