Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21) – Your true happiness lies in the bottom of a bowl that once contained two different types of macaroni and cheese, topped with fried Southwest chicken strips and another layer of cheese.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – While walking over the bridge, a bird will accidently fly into your face. Ouchies!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – After being sick for a week, you head back to your first class. There’s a test covering all the information you missed in your feverish, bedridden stupor. Well, hopefully you can drop one!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You suddenly take an interest in what’s going on around campus, then snap out of it, and head to Water Street instead.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You have the best boyfriend/girlfriend in the world. Too bad they’re imaginary.

Aries (March 21-April 19) – This week you may get sick from the flu and have to go to urgent care. You will wait in the waiting from for 40 minutes, then in the patient room for 50 minutes. An hour and a half later, the doc will come in and tell you there’s nothing he can do for you. Oh well, better just drink some orange juice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You have no lucky numbers.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You are flipping through channels when you discover a documentary on marmots, subsequently realizing marmots are the most majestic animal on the face of the earth, besides bears.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Three people will come up to you on the street and ask you if you’re still wearing your Halloween costume.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You are a gentleman and a scholar. People will notice your charm and fall in love with your incredible wit.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – In the coming week, you will find yourself, but only if you venture into the Alaskan wild and don’t die in an abandoned bus.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You will find what you think is a lucky penny. Turns out it’s Canadian. Fail.